On the freedom of being a fallible human

Dear friend,

The other day I got in a fight with my partner. I said things I regret. I said them out of anger. I was triggered. I was afraid. I was defending the hurt child inside me.

After I realized that my behavior was part of an old pattern, I felt the pang of shame. But then I remembered, I am human. I am fallible. I am allowed to make mistakes. And there is so much freedom in that. To let go of perfection.

When you truly love someone, your fears of being unlovable will get triggered. What a gift to fuck up in that way. What a gift to realize you got it wrong.

Friend, I’ve made so many mistakes. I’ve had many fuck ups. And failures too.

I’ve been rejected numerous times. In relationships, jobs, creative pursuits.

I’ve made many plans that I never followed through with. Dreams and desires that never came to fruition. Manifestation lists that fell beneath the wayside.

The older I get, the more proud I am of these moments. They let me know I haven’t been afraid to really live. To say yes to trying. To risk rejection.

The older I get, the more I realize how fallible I am. Humbling myself has been so rewarding. So freeing.

Have you noticed there seems to be no room for anyone to be fallible these days? Everyone is performing perfection. The perfect activist who never says the wrong thing. The perfect artist who is on a perfect trajectory towards success. Have you noticed that when someone makes a mistake everyone jumps on the bandwagon of shaking their fingers, as if to distance themselves as far away from the possibility of their own fallibility? As if they were born emotionally mature, intellectually sound and unquestionably correct. It’s almost as if we can’t be complicated anymore.

I wonder if this is because of the abundance of information ready made for consumption. There seems to be no excuse not to know better. But reading about something or watching a how-to video is different than lived experience. People don’t understand what they don’t know. And they will fuck up until they do.

It’s the only way I learned. The only way I grew. Was to reach those edges.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how the world is changing so fast. Everyday feels like a new timeline. A new reality we have to wrap our heads around. More than ever it feels like we have no idea what will happen. We are all just out here doing our best. And of course we are going to mess up in these circumstances.

What if we embraced it more? These wild and unpredictable time. What if we gave ourselves more room to experiment. To play even. To risk doing it wrong. To risk trying something for a while and if it doesn’t work out, to walk away with no regrets?

I am currently beginning a new creative project. Something I have wanted to do for years but never mustered up the courage. Ok fine, I will tell you what it is. I am