Just because you grew from it, doesn't mean it should have happened

+ plus a list of what I've been doing lately to feel ok

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Dear friend,

There is a tendency in wellness rhetoric to say, “everything happens for a reason”. And it’s supposed to be comforting because the Universe or God has a divine plan.

But if you have ever gone through something truly heartbreaking and traumatic, or if you are paying attention to the injustices of the world, “everything happens for a reason” sounds dismissive and cruel. The Universe wanted me to be abused? God planned for global wars and famine?

Everything does happen for a reason but often that reason is people being shitty because of their lack of compassion, ignorance and unaddressed wounds. I do not believe that the Universe or God wants us to harm one another or to be harmed as part of a divine plan.

Often when people are addressing their trauma, they adopt a position that the Universe wanted them to go through that pain in order to acquire more wisdom.

Friend, just because you grew from a difficult experience doesn’t mean it should have happened.

The Universe is not punishing you. God does not want you to be traumatized. Spirit does not have a grand plan for your mistreatment.

These things happen because we live in an unhealed world. And while some of the suffering we experience is the natural occurrence of being human and having to confront grief and loss, so much suffering is unnecessary.

The other day someone very close to me did something extremely hurtful. After it happened, I kept replaying it in my mind, trying to find some clue as to how I could have thwarted it had I been more self-aware. I wanted to take ownership over the experience, to help me feel more in control, more capable of preventing it from happening again. But the truth is, I couldn’t have prevented it because it wasn’t me who chose to do it. It was out of my control.

And while I am still unpacking the lessons I will take with me from the experience, I feel really hurt and angry right now. I do not believe I needed this to happen. What I need and deserve is compassion and kindness.

Despite the pain I feel, when I become still and take a deep breath, I recognize there is nothing that anyone can say or do to me that can take away my wholeness and my worth. I am held by something greater than myself and so are you, friend.

And that is what I believe the Universe or God (or whatever word you want to use) is teaching us: We are part of Creation, to caste doubt on our value is like calling into question the validity of a star.

I want you to know that benevolent spiritual forces are rooting for your joy and peace, not your pain and punishment. Love is a spiritual force and it’s guiding you to heal, to use every experience (good or bad) as curriculum to returning home.

The divine plan is not an outward journey. It’s an inward path to awakening to your wholeness. You are Divinity. The path is You.

So as you continue to heal and learn from your painful past experiences, remember two things can exist at the same time: yes you are wiser for it and no you didn’t deserve it.

There is so much about what happens in this world that is out of our control. But what we can control is our willingness to learn how to better love ourselves and love one another. Every human being deserves safety, peace and compassion. The more people awaken to that truth, the less suffering there will be.

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Friend, I don’t know about you but the collective energy this past week has felt particularly intense to me. We are navigating 2 different realities: our personal and collective. It makes sense that this all feels overwhelming. The rest of this essay is for paid subscribers and it’s a list of what I’m currently doing to self-soothe and remain grounded. FYI this list is probably not wellness-industrial-complex-approved. It’s not about perfection, restriction or the aesthetic of healing. It’s more like an exhaustive text essay I would send a friend if they asked me what has been helpful lately cus the world feels like a dumpster fire.

What I have been doing lately to feel ok: