It's ok to miss someone who wasn't good for you

it doesn't mean you want them back

Sometimes I miss my abusive ex.

I don’t miss the fights. I don’t miss the screaming and crying. I don’t miss the gaslighting. I don’t miss being put down.

I miss our deep conversations about writing, art and music. I miss performing with them. I miss joking around. I miss dancing all night at the club together.

Years ago I wouldn’t have let myself linger on a good memory of this person for too long—fearful it would put me back under their spell, back to a time when I only focused on the good moments we had together and was in denial of the bad.

Years ago I would have shamed myself for missing this person, even a little. I would have told myself I was weak. I would have forced myself to remember something painful to “recalibrate” myself to the truth: they are a bad person. And missing them is at best embarrassing and at worst pathological.

But I’ve come to understand that missing someone—even someone that hurt you—just makes you human. I’ve come to understand that in a relationship riddled with painful memories, there are were still some happy moments. And there comes a point in your healing when you no longer need to deny those moments existed in order to keep moving forward.

Toxic relationship dynamics are unfortunately a common occurrence in a culture that doesn’t teach healthy attachment. Often we have to learn through experience what we will not tolerate from another human being.

Seeing clearly that you deserve better and you must move on is a grievous process of disillusionment.

Once you have some distance from the relationship there is finally space for the anger to come flooding out—anger that you held inside for far too long. anger that you can now vent to your friends…cry to your therapist…scream into the void.

What an asshole! What a dick! What a piece of shit! What a narcissist! What a sociopath!

Then you turn the anger on yourself: Why did I stay for so long? What’s wrong with me? I’m so pathetic.

But eventually, you come to understand that nothing is wrong with you. That the rom coms and Disney movies you were raised on were fairy tales full of red flags.

You learn that cycles of toxic behavior and abuse began generations before you walked this planet. And people hurt others when they have not addressed their wounding.

You realize you were doing your best with the level of awareness you had. And wanting someone to love and accept you, even if you didn’t recognize the dangers of that desire, is a basic human need. and nothing to be ashamed about.

The grief we feel from a painful relationship contains a wide spectrum of emotion. All of which are valid.