Grieving A Relationship
Why you shouldn't rush to get over it
Our culture puts a lot of pressure on us to “get over” our romantic relationships quickly, to prove to ourselves and to others that we are okay. And it’s more convenient than ever to just log on to a dating app and try to distract yourself from your feelings. (Hello rebounds)
In a patriarchal society, feelings your feelings, admitting you are in pain, and being vulnerable are seen as signs of weakness. If you were really strong, if you were really good enough, you would be over it, right? You wouldn’t be at home crying, ordering takeout for the fifth day in a row, getting nauseous every time you think of your ex with another person.
But letting yourself grieve is a necessary process of understanding what the ending of this relationship is teaching you about your own self-acceptance. Whenever I hear “I want to get over it,” I imagine a person jumping over a big pile of dirty laundry on their floor, thinking that will get their clothes clean.
Letting yourself grieve is feeling your feelings without rushing to change them, denying they exist, or believing there is something wrong with you for having them. You have to hang out with that big pile of dirty laundry on your floor. It’s ugly, it’s smelly, it’s taken over your entire bedroom. Some days you go out with your friends and have a good time only to come back home and find it’s still there, waiting for you. This will last until eventually you begin sorting through each piece, deciding which clothes are worth putting in the wash and which need to be thrown out. You can think of this process as building awareness about what beliefs you want to hold on to about the relationship, and which ones you want to let go of.
For example, do I want o take away from this relationship the belief that all men are horrible, or that because it didn’t work out, I won’t find love again? Or do I want to take away from this relationship the belief that I grew from the experience, that I learned what didn’t work for me?
It’s a tedious process, but because you are patient and compassionate, you get through it. And you get your room back. We can’t foretell how something ending in our lives marks a new and necessary beginning. That perspective doesn’t come until enough time has passed for reflection. Showing up for your own grief is a sacred process of alchemizing your pain into a deeper sense of self-acceptance and wisdom.
You are guaranteed to bring the experiences of your past relationships to your new ones. The question is, do you want to do that consciously or unconsciously? Do you do it in ways that hinder your happiness or ways that support it?
Guidelines for reconnecting to your Higher Self post-breakup: