Dear Higher Self: Should I Quit Instagram?
"There are things I want to share with people but the aftermath can be so painful"
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Dear Bunny,
I’m 33 and I feel pretty confident with my life and myself. I have anxiety but I have mostly learned to manage it. My question to you is about Instagram. I’m not very active on the platform because every time I post I feel incredibly insecure and anxious. It brings me back to a feeling I used to have often—that people find me annoying, embarrassing, awkward etc. Usually, my whole day ends up ruined because I’m waiting to see how my post performs. As I get more self-assured and confident through my 20s I thought I would stop caring so much but that has not been the case. Should I stop using Instagram altogether? Sometimes there really are things I want to share with people but the aftermath can be so painful for my body and spirit. Thanks so much.
Hi love,
It’s an intrinsic human need to feel seen. Having a healthy social life and fulfilling relationships where we nurture a sense of belonging is an essential part of our healing and self-empowerment.
The more time we spend online, the easier it is to identify with our digital avatars: I am no longer just me, I am also who I am online.
And so it makes sense to want who you are online to be seen as well—to experience connection and to get attention. The problem is we mistake our online avatars as our true selves. Being seen online is not the same as being seen IRL. It does not satisfy true connection or belonging. It wasn’t designed for that. Social media is designed to make money for the companies that operate it. And they do that by trying to get you to become emotionally attached to it so you spend more time on the app.
Many of us have been through difficult experiences where we felt rejected and those experiences put a false narrative in our head that there was something wrong with us, that we don’t belong and/or that we aren't good enough for other people. Social media companies know about the psychological need to feel valued and connected to others. Their strategy is to convince you that likes and followers are a true measurement of your value as a human being and how much you belong. Because when you believe that, you will keep trying to “grow” on social media. You will keep posting to get that validation. In other words, you are not complete until you are validated by an online audience.
This is why social media can be such a triggering experience. When you depend on it to feel valued, and the algorithm does not provide that validation, then your wounds of not being good enough or not belonging or being unlovable are triggered every time you don’t get “enough” likes. This is why “your whole day is ruined” waiting to see how your post performs. Because you are waiting to feel enough. That is very painful. I’ve been there.
I have posted on Instagram nearly every day since 2016. And what I have learned is the only way to stay detached is to remember that your profile isn’t you! It’s images of you, videos of you, maybe it’s art you made or photos of your family but it’s not YOU. When someone doesn’t like your post, it doesn’t mean they don’t like you. This might seem obvious but too often we don’t realize it! We post something and wrongly attach our selfhood to it. Because that is what the apps are training our brains to do—define ourselves through this technology so we depend on it to feel complete.
Your Higher Self is the part of you that has always known you are enough. It it the awareness within you that you have always been whole. Social hierarchies are cultural constructs. They are only as real as you allow them to define you.
But it is really hard to fight against defining yourself through artificial social constructs when you spend a lot of time on a piece of technology that is literally trying to retrain your brain to depend on it to feel whole.
Now don’t get me wrong, I do think social media has helped many people who have a difficult time nuturing a sense of belonging in their lives IRL. For example, queer and trans kids who would otherwise not meet people that encouraged them to be themselves if it wasn’t for the internet. And I do think social media can be a tremendous place to bring awareness to social issues.
But in order for you to have a healthy relationship to it, you have to be conscious of why you use it. Are you using it to get inspired, inspire others and/or nurture authentic relationships? Or are you using it to gain some kind of validation so you can feel good about yourself. Because if you are using it to give you self-worth, you will always feel disappointed. No amount of likes will make you like yourself. You might feel good at 50 likes one day and then the next week 50 likes will make you feel bad about yourself. Remember, the apps are designed to always leave you wanting more. Take it from someone who has hundreds of thousands of followers and thousands of likes per post. Before I was mindful, I would actually feel embarrassed to get 2000 likes!
Many people want to be seen online but don’t know exactly why. (Hint: because they are trying to fix a childhood wound of not being good enough). And I think that is a huge part of why it leads to suffering.
So before you make any decision about quitting Instagram or other social media, ask yourself, What purpose is this serving in my life? What need am I trying to fulfill? And are there healthier ways to address that need?
And lastly, do not feel shame or embarrassment to care a lot about likes and followers. The app is designed to make you feel emotionally attached to those metrics. Fighting against that requires staying conscious of why you are using it every time you do.
Which is no easy feat.
More than ever, our mental, spiritual and emotional health requires making conscious choices. This world is not easy to navigate and making changes that support your connection to your Higher Self is how we build sustainable happiness.
You are worth all the effort.
Take care,
Bunny
P.S. I go into great detail about how to bring your Higher Self to your relationship to social media in my book, Hello Higher Self: An Outsider’s Guide to Loving Yourself in a Tough World. I talk about my personal struggles on Instagram and give guidelines on how to find balance online. It’s currently 36% off on Amazon.
Looking for support? I’m currently accepting questions for this healing advice column! Reply to this post or email info@bunnymichael.com. Or to book a private session with me on Zoom go here
Hello Higher Self: An Outsider’s Guide to Loving Yourself in a Tough World is an awesome book. Highly recommended 👍👍