Dear Higher Self: My Ex Blocked Me
"I cry and wail every day because I miss them."
Hi Bunny,
The love of my life blocked my number and all of social media. I know I must’ve pushed them away. I only texted them twice since the breakup but I know how much I must’ve overwhelmed them by telling them that I made a mistake. I was the one who broke up with them because I wasn’t being treated well. But I feel like such an asshole that I pushed them away this much. Knowing them, they’re very overwhelmed, hurt and feeling abandoned. I feel so terrible for making them feel this way, but I couldn’t put up the with lying, emotional neglect and the inconsistency in our 2 year relationship any longer. We just trigger each other way too much. But I didn’t think I would be cut out like this. I’ve never been blocked by a loved one before. I’ve never been dismissed so much as I was in this relationship. I know their avoidance stems from so much pain, but it hurts so much. I cry and wail every day because I miss them. This was my first queer love. I truly experienced the deepest love I could’ve ever imagined for myself. I miss them so much and I would do anything to hold them again. But it’s so heartbreaking to know that we can’t be together right now, and maybe never again.
They’re 23 and I’m 31. The differences started to show up too drastically and when we began, I knew in my stomach we were in different places, but the love took over so strongly. I had never felt like this with anyone before and I wanted to let myself experience this profound love. We are definitely on different emotional planes and I fully accept who they are a person and love them so dearly, but I know I don’t deserve constant harm from a partner who simply doesn’t have the tools to treat me well. How can I hold this painful reality and still let them go? Does that mean we can never be friends? When we became close I knew they would be family forever, but how can we repair to come back to that? I’m lost and this feels unbearable.
Hi love,
I’m sorry this is feeling so tough. You are not an asshole for breaking up with your partner. When a relationship is no longer working, it’s more loving to end it. Because you can no longer give this person what they need. Love sometimes guides us to make hard choices that don’t feel good in the short-term but are much better for both people involved longterm.
It’s definitely not easy when an ex blocks you. It can feel like a big rejection—like being blocked on social media means you are no longer important to them. But that is so far from the truth. Blocking is often a necessary boundary to keep yourself from reaching out or checking up on an ex because you are trying to heal from the breakup. It’s necessary when people need space to process their feelings. I know deep down you understand why your ex needed to do this.
The Universe gives us situations that serve our highest growth and self- actualization, should we choose to see them that way.
One of my last big breakups before I met my current partner was the hardest of my life. We were together for about 3 years and I thought we were eventually going to get married but of course things don’t always end up how we plan and she ended up breaking up with me. I felt totally blindsided even though looking back, obviously things hadn’t been working for awhile.
I took the breakup pretty hard and my way of coping was to go out practically every night, get drunk with friends and smooch as many people as possible to distract me from my feelings and get an ego boost. But then one night I was out drinking by myself and I was feeling sad so I called my ex. She didn’t pick up so I called again and again and again. She eventually texted and said she was out with friends and couldn’t talk and to please stop calling or texting. Did I listen? No I didn’t. I basically freaked out even more and kept calling and texting. That experience eventually led to her blocking me. It felt like such a gut punch. I thought, wow she never cared about me, did she?
But then after some time of not talking (and no longer coping with alcohol) I actually had the mental space to process what had happened between us. I had space to take accountability for my own feelings and to begin the process of lessoning my attachment to her.
It took a while but eventually I saw that her blocking me was a gift. No, it didn’t feel good. It was painful. But when we no longer have access to our attachments it’s an opportunity to reconnect with who we are without them.
When you lose something what are you left with? Yourself. And that is exactly what you need right now—to not be distracted and sucked back in to the cycle of communicating and depending on this person to regulate your emotions.
During a breakup we aren’t just mourning the person we are no longer in relationship with. We are mourning the structure that relationship brought to our life: the routines, habits and direction with which we focused our energy. What we “miss” is the sense of stability we got from that relationship, even if it was toxic. It was what we were used to and now our comfort zone is gone.
Breakup aftercare is asking yourself how you want to rebuild those structures and redirect your energy from caring for the relationship, to caring for yourself. What other relationships in your life deserve more of your attention? How can you create a more expansive network of care? What are some things you have always wanted to do or experience? What can you do to empower your healing journey and what are some ways you can express your difficult feelings when you have them?
I am such an advocate for journaling because when you journal about your feelings it helps bring clarity. It’s also a place you can emotionally purge all of those thoughts so they aren’t festering inside.
Now is the time to learn new ways to process your feelings and redirect your energy. It can feel scary, but I promise you are so worth the effort!
And yes there will be waves of grief. There will be days that feel unbearable. But those feelings don’t last forever. The emotional challenge of a breakup isn’t a sign something is wrong. It’s part of processing your loss. It’s part of the healing. And ultimately leads to profound self-actualization.
I love this quote from Conscious Uncoupling: Five Steps to Living Happily Ever After by Katherine Woodward Thomas:
“In a nut-shell, a breakup is nothing short of a spiritual awakening. One that catapults you to a whole new level of authenticity, compassion, wisdom, depth, and—dare I say it?—even joy.”
As far as wanting to be friends in the future, the truth is you don’t know right now if being friends will serve you or your healing. You haven’t had enough time with yourself to know what your needs are. So I would try to not get caught up in needing to know what the future holds for the both of you and focus on what you want for your future.
The most important thing here is to trust the path you are on because what is unfolding is the result of you getting out of a relationship that wasn’t good for you. Your Higher Self helped you make that decision and your Higher Self is with you now to remind you that you are worthy of healing, space and nurturing your connection to yourself. For a long time you put the relationship first and now it’s time to put you first.
You are incredibly wise and courageous. This is a new and powerful stage of your journey.
One day at a time babe, you got this.
Love,
Bunny
To submit a question to the Dear Higher Self advice column reply to this post or email info@bunnymichael.com
OH did I need this -- thank you <3
dang this one hit hard 😭💓