Dear Higher Self: Men ignore me

"I’m feeling invisible, undesirable, unattractive and dull."

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Hi friends! a couple quick things before we get started:

• last week I announced my new monthly support group for healing and self-empowerment: the higher self healing club. our first meeting will be Sat. June 7th on zoom. we will come together to talk, journal and share. it’s going to be magical. so if you have been feeling like you need more support and community navigating this chaotic world, this is the place for you. everyone who is a paid subscriber can attend. more details here

• i need your questions for this column! send them to info@bunnymichael.com.

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Hello there sweet Bunny,

I’m 27 years old and I’ve been harboring some resentment over the limited attention I’ve received from men in my life. I understand this desire for male validation stems from patriarchal societal norms we navigate. I’m aware this doesn’t give me worth, still it’s a challenge to accept when I’ve felt excluded from that realm for so long. Reflecting on my life, I’ve rarely been approached by men. This realization, in hindsight, carries a ting of sadness. My interactions with guys often seem fueled by my own desperation, whether it involved joining dating apps or seeking introductions from friends. Essentially, like any other human I yearn to feel desired. I just want to feel wanted, you know? Like walk into a party and catch someone’s eye. I’ve created an unfortunate distinction between women who are perceived as attractive and those like myself who go unnoticed.

I’m left feeling invisible, undesirable, unattractive and dull. I recognize this perspective is unhealthy yet it’s tough to shake off. Just to clarify, these feelings do not bother me all the time. In fact, there is a sense of relief when I hear my friends lament about their difficult relationships but there are moments when I lie alone in bed and a nagging question emerges: Is there something wrong with me? Even worse, I sometimes find myself comparing my worth to that of other women. My goal is to address this matter from a place of higher self awareness. How can I embrace self-love and the love already present in my life without diminishing my own worth? I believe in love. I’ve encountered it in familial relationships and friendships and my connection with myself. Yet, there is this void that persists and accepting that it might remain unfulfilled is a difficult realization. It’s challenging to reconcile with the notion that perhaps romantic love might not be for me. Even then with that understanding, the sadness and frustration hang around, making me feel like I’m not pretty enough, smart enough or whatever enough. So my question is, how can I approach this complex subject matter from a standpoint of self-compassion and personal growth? How can I surrender to the idea of loving myself and my life for what it is without belittling my own aspirations and desires?

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Hi love,

I know there are many people reading this who can relate to all of your feelings, who understand a romantic relationship won’t complete them but still want a romantic relationship and who are aware that patriarchal and sexist biases have trained people who are socialized as women to seek validation from men but still want attention from men. Part of being a spirit having a human experience is that we can hold these dichotomies within us. we can be aware of our higher selves but not always make choices or have thoughts that reflect our true self-worth.

There is nothing wrong with having desires or wanting to feel wanted but there is a difference between having those wants and making the mistake of believing that if you got want you wanted, you would stop struggling with feeling unworthy. It’s true that if you met the love of your life tomorrow, you might not lie in bed and worry there is something wrong with you because you haven’t met anyone but your brain would find some other reason you’re not good enough because that is what our conditioning tells us to do. We were trained to seek lack within ourselves. We were trained to feel that we weren’t inherently worthy and that we have to prove our worth. And so our need for that proof comes in different forms at different times in our life.

There are people in this world who if you saw what they had you’d think, how could they possibly feel like their life is lacking? they have people who love them, more money they could ever spend, successful careers, fame..and yet they still struggle. And the reason is we have all been fed the same lie: the more you have, the more you are. When you are stuck in that mental prison, there is no enough because you are inherently not enough.

Therefore, feeling desirable and valuable is less about receiving outside validation and more about knowing your power. counter intuitive to your conditioning—it’s not about attainment, it’s about surrender. Surrendering to your innate beauty, your magic and your divinity. It’s owning the fact that you have always been enough and that even though those fearful thoughts pop in your mind, that doesn’t mean they are telling you the truth.

Feeling desirable comes from reminding yourself of your value everyday. It’s you desiring yourself. Because when you don’t, you will create a narrative in your mind about what people are thinking about you and then act accordingly. We make assumptions all the time based on our beliefs about our worth.

As someone who is married, you’d think I always feel desirable because I found “my person” but unless I’m doing my inner work and being nice to myself, I can make up whole stories in my head about how Khara isn’t attracted to me anymore or even if they are that doesn’t mean I am a desirable person. So as much as I am confident that you will meet someone you are compatible with when the time is right, I want you to be aware that it will only be a temporary fix for what is ultimately an issue with how you see yourself.

I wanna tell you a little story: one day I saw my naked body in the mirror and was taking note of all my flaws, as I usually did, and then I had this moment where I saw my ancestry in the contours, textures, colors of my body. We are a reflection of so many past lives that have built upon each other to create the physical form we are. Our bodies and faces hold all of that past within us, all of that lineage, all of those magical and complicated experiences. And that we are just animals like any other part of creation. I thought about how beautiful that is. And how beautiful I was as this living, breathing creature.

There are so many ways to acknowledge your beauty beyond society’s beauty standards. Beauty standards are such tunnel vision. seeing beauty is being able to see the full spectrum of beauty. That’s real beauty. And while it’s true that not everyone can always see the full spectrum of beauty, when you can, you will align with people who can really see you too.

You are a wise, thoughtful and beautiful human with a big heart. Dating isn’t easy, meeting someone compatible isn’t easy and then when you do start a relationship, making that relationship work won’t be easy. So trust the timing of your experience. Give yourself reminders of how special and important and desirable you are! I promise you, your future is bright and full of possibility.

Remember, to feel desirable is really about desiring yourself letting yourself see how hot, magical and amazing you are. And being hot is so much less to do with how you look than how you feel about yourself. You can be the most attractive person to somebody else and feel like the most unattractive person to yourself. It is really about the narratives you tell yourself.

I’m sending you so much love. You’re beautiful. You are desirable. You are a hot babe! You got this!

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