Dear Higher Self: I'm Poly and Jealous
"I want to feel compersion for the other people my girlfriend has these experiences with, but I just can’t get there."
Dear Bunny,
I am in a polyamorous relationship with my long term partner of nine years and my new girlfriend, who I have been dating for six months. She is also in a long term partnership with her wife, and we are all friends. While the relationship with my new girlfriend is still fresh, I feel that we already have a very safe and loving connection. I trust her and I feel confident and secure in our relationship but when she tells me about other people she has had sex with in the past or is planning to have sex with in the future, I feel jealous. But the thing is, I do want to hear about it. It brings me both joy and heartbreak at the same time when I hear her talk about this kind of stuff. It feels conflicting. With my long term partner, I don’t really feel jealous or get bad feelings when I hear about his intimate life with other people. I want to feel compersion for the other people my girlfriend has these experiences with, but I just can’t get there. What would my higher self do?
Hi love,
It seems like you are approaching this situation with so much thoughtfulness and care and I just want to say that is really beautiful and a testament to your capacity for love and your connection with your Higher Self.
You said you want to feel compersion for your girlfriend. For those people who don’t know compersion is the ability to feel joy and take pleasure in other people’s happiness specifically when the source of their happiness isn’t you. It is more commonly used when describing non-monogamous relationship dynamics—the idea that rather than feeling jealousy when your partner is experiencing joy from intimacy with another person you feel happiness.
I believe one of the most important aspects of being in a healthy relationship—whether monogamous or polyamorous—is to be able to see your partner beyond just the role they play in your life, to understand they are their own autonomous person on their own journey and to recognize that you are not the only source of their happiness. You are one important branch on the tree of their life. And all other relationships—platonic and/or romantic—in your partner’s life keep the whole tree healthy. In other words, we have been so ingrained in our culture to believe we “complete” our partners. And they shouldn’t need anyone else to feel complete. Which isn’t true.
Jealousy can happen in all relationship structures. Because jealousy is a symptom of fear—the fear of losing someone you love. And you can lose someone you love regardless of being monogamous or not.
It’s totally understandable to have feelings of jealousy when your girlfriend is talking about being with other people because that fear of losing her gets projected on those situations. But if we look at it realistically, there are many different reasons why relationships end that don’t have anything to do with having feelings for somebody new but that’s normally the model we project those fears of losing our partners through. My point being that jealously can feel uncomfortable but it doesn’t necessarily mean anything is wrong; it’s one part of the spectrum of feelings when you love someone. It’s not the complete story.
And it doesn’t mean you’re always going to feel like this. The more we fight against our insecurities and shame ourselves for having them, the more powerful they are.
But I also want to talk a little bit more about the boundaries in your relationship. You said you are able to have a lot of compersion when it comes to your primary partner: you are able to hear your primary partner talk about intimacy with other people and it feels good. And I’m assuming you’re also able to talk about your other relationships with your primary partner and both of you have co-created this really supportive and loving environment.
I want to emphasize that just because you have that with your primary partner doesn’t mean you have to have those same types of boundaries with this new partner because when you don’t have the security or the foundation to be able to have those types of conversations it’s actually not helpful to be sharing all this other information with each other. The security between the two of you hasn’t been established. It takes time to build that with someone.
If you’re not in a place where it feels good to hear about your other partner’s desires of other people, then maybe you’re just not ready for that type of discussion. Maybe it’s not a referendum on you but a referendum of where the relationship is at.
Compersion can look different with different people. For example, you can feel joy in knowing that you are non-monagomous and are working toward a more secure foundation with this person. While at the same time understand that you don’t really need to hear the details because when you hear the details it actually doesn’t make you feel good and it doesn’t keep the dynamic positive and joyful.
Boundaries aren’t limitations. Boundaries are the structures that hold something together.
I would have a conversation with this new partner of yours and talk about some boundaries that will make each other feel safe. That doesn’t mean those boundaries are going to be there forever. There might be a time you feel differently. But I just want you to know that you don’t have to hold all the emotions of this other person because it might not be something that you need to hold. You don’t have to know everything that they are thinking or every desire they have. It might not be useful to know that stuff.
And before you have this conversation I would go inward and ask yourself, what’s going to help me have a more joyful experience with this person? Is it sitting around talking about other people or is it keeping it focused on us when we are together?
And perhaps down the line when you have a more secure foundation those boundaries can be more expansive but for now this is where you are at and where you are at is totally ok!
Your Higher Self wants you to have the boundaries you need to feel emotionally safe. It doesn't make you any less of a loving person or partner. In fact, it helps enable your love to be more secure.
You have such a big heart! You’re doing amazing! Sending you lots of hugs!
Take care,
Bunny
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