Dear Higher Self: I'm cheating on my partner
"I don't feel guilty"
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Hi Bunny,
I am in a very committed two year long relationship. I love my partner so so so much. We want to have kids in the future, buy a house, you know the traditional stuff. However, last year I was traveling without my partner, and met and fell in love with another person. Since then, I have kept in contact with this overseas lover and hope to see them again in the future. I have not told my partner about this, and they believe we are in a totally committed relationship. The issue is that 1) I don't want to be polyamorous or polygamous as it doesn't really align with my future goals with my partner or with my own gut and heart feelings. 2) at the same time I don't feel like I am committing infidelity. I don't feel guilty and I am confused by this. I have realized that every relationship I have been in I have cheated. I feel like some would say "you need to be single and sort your shit out." This is fair. But I don't want to be single, I want to be with my partner forever. But I also love someone else but I don't see a long future with them. I guess I'm looking for advice on how to reckon with this feeling of not feeling guilty about infidelity, knowing that I can't have my cake and eat it too, but still having my cake and eating it too (for now but knowing this is not sustainable). I can feel some trauma in my past must have created this wound where I don't feel bad about cheating. I don't know. I feel toxic and weird but also full of so much love. My love for these two people is genuine and I truly care for them. It isn't an insecure love on my part - I just don't know. Just need some gentle wisdom, guidance, maybe a strict talking to haha. Love you Bunny
Hi love,
Thank you for being honest about your situation. Most of the time when people ask me about cheating it’s from the perspective of being cheated on. And it’s really generous of you to share your experience because it’s so important to hear examples from the other lens. So I appreciate that.
Relationships show us the places in ourselves where we are wounded. And my intuition is telling me that part of the reason you cheat is because it gives you a feeling of control. It’s like a buffer for the deep vulnerability it takes to be in a committed and honest relationship. If your partner leaves you, it’s not because you were inadequate or unlovable (a possible fear of your wounding), it’s because you cheated. In a distorted way, the cheating is a kind of emotional protective shield.
And while you say you don’t feel guilty, that can be a way of dissociating from facing the difficult truths beneath your actions. If you let yourself feel guilty, then you might start asking that difficult question more often—why do i do this in every relationship?
All of us, at some point or another have tried to avoid facing our pain and our trauma. It’s a survival strategy. But there comes a time where our coping strategies are sabotaging our health and happiness and we have to change. Now I don’t know exactly what your wounding is but I do know that it is worth investigating because you are worthy of healing.
The reason why cheating is so damaging isn’t because all relationships should be monogamous or people aren’t capable of loving more than one person at at time—it’s because if one person in the relationship is kept in the dark, then they can’t make a consensual choice about being with you. For example, if you are spending time with your partner and you don’t know for sure that if your partner knew you were having an affair, they would chose to be with you, then how is it a consensual decision on their part to give you their energy? Your partner is in a different reality than you—an honest, committed relationship. that reality that isn’t fully real.
Loving a person isn’t just about loving things about that person, it’s about actively loving them. It’s about giving them the space to decide what is right for them. And when you aren’t honest with them, you deprive them of the opportunity to take care of themselves and have a relationship they actually want. That is not love, that is control.
It could be that your partner would still be with you if you were honest with them. But you are not giving them a choice.
Now I know this might have seemed hard on you, but please trust me when I tell you my only interest is you knowing that your authentic self is lovable. You don’t have to hide, you don’t have to lie, you can be yourself. And the more you engage in keeping up the facade, the more you are avoiding yourself. Your authenticity. Your truth.
As someone who has been cheated on, I want to tell you that it can cause a lot of trauma. And I know that is not what you want for anyone. In your heart, you wrote in because you knew I was going to say something needs to change. and I have all the faith that you can make that step to end this cycle. All my love,
bunny
this week’s question and answer is taken from the archives of my advice podcast, XO Higher Self