Dear Higher Self: How Do I Stop Projecting My Wounds On My Partner?
"It’s not healthy for me or her"
Dear Bunny,
I have a girlfriend of 4 years where we practice radical love and have developed strong intimacy and healed so many childhood and generational wounds together. I believe we have a healthy relationship but with this safety, ugly patterns and feelings are more readily brought to light. I’m struggling because I realize I’m centering her in what feels like all my thoughts, decisions and actions.
My friends and therapist say it seems like I’ve attached some kind of authority or parental role to my girlfriend. This would make sense because growing up I was very afraid of my single mom’s rejection. If I made decisions that went against my mom she shamed me and made me feel anxious. Because of this projection of authority onto my girlfriend, I’ve also had trouble accepting her advice because I receive it as overbearing. I don’t believe I can go against her advice without judgement or the feeling of impending doom. I almost can’t hear my own thoughts after I’ve heard hers. I feel like I’m putting her on a pedestal and it’s not healthy for me or her.
I haven’t shared this with her because I’m afraid of affirming her fear: that she is seen as authoritative and manipulative. I’m afraid that after a long time of denying that I been attaching authority to her, by sharing this with her I will be caught in a lie and that we will have to walk on eggshells with each other. I’m worried she will judge me for not having my own thoughts. This all feels especially difficult because she is someone who regularly pushes me to be my highest self. She has been a strong guide for me and held me through tough times. She regularly affirms to me how much she loves me but this pedestal I’ve put her on is making us live in two different emotional realities. Is this common? How do I detach my partner from projections of my parent?
Hi love,
Yes it’s VERY COMMON to project the wounds we have from our parental figures onto our adult romantic relationships. I don’t think there is one therapist office in the world where this has not been a topic of discussion.
First I want you to stop being so hard on yourself. Your wounds are not your fault. How they show up in your partnership is not your fault. It takes a lot of time to disrupt these patterns. The great news is you have awareness of them. That is the biggest step! That is so courageous! So many people go through life unwilling to look within and question the motivations of their choices. This is a testament to how aligned you are with your Higher Self (who you are beyond your wounds and bias conditioning).
So the next step is to get more honest with your partner about how these wounds are showing up. Because the part of you that is afraid to tell your partner is the same part of you that is projecting the judgement of your mom on her. You are afraid she won’t love you for your authentic self. But she already does! And taking accountability for the stuff you are working on so you can be more healed and as a result, a better partner is such an admirable quality.
And I get it, you were not totally upfront with how much these wounds were showing up in the relationship. But I’m not sure if you were fully aware of the extent. The issue isn’t that you secretly think she is a judgmental jerk that is trying to manipulate you. The issue is that she triggers you. Particularly when she is giving advice or taking on the role of “guide” because it reminds you of painful experiences with your mom. That makes a lot of sense! This is not a character flaw. Wounds just make you human.
And guess what? Most likely, you trigger your partner too. In fact, I guarantee it. Her triggers manifest differently than yours but they are still there. And would you love her any less because of them? Of course not.
An essential part of healing is facing the uncomfortability of understanding your triggers so you can disrupt them. And often it is painful. It’s painful to confront the hurt of the past and it’s painful to see it show up in your present experience. And sometimes we will disappoint or upset the people we love with our triggers which is also painful. But the reason why we must face this old pain is to learn how to give ourselves the love, acceptance and compassion we needed as children.
In other words, when you notice you are triggered, rather than succumbing to the fear of being unloved, remind yourself that you have always been enough, your thoughts and feelings are valid and you are lovable just for being you.
I wish your mom had always made you feel like that. I wish your mom had never shamed you. But you are no longer that young child who depended on her for validation, acceptance and approval.
And you do not need the approval of your partner now.
Love is not the same thing as approval. Your partner loves you. There is a big difference!
Moving forward, you and your partner are going to have to find new understanding and communication styles as you work through these triggers. It’s a process of awareness, compassion and patience on both sides. Rather than focusing on completely stopping projecting on your partner (because no matter how healed you are, projection happens), focus on what you can do when you notice you are projecting. Your therapist can help you come up with a game plan for when those fears come up.
Some affirmations that I think could be helpful when you notice you are projecting are:
I don’t need the approval of my partner
I am my own person with valid feelings, needs and desires
This is not the past and I am safe
I am lovable just for being me
Saying these to yourself can disrupt your fear response and calm your nervous system, bringing you back to the present moment.
And lastly, keep in mind that navigating wounds, triggers and projections is part of a healthy, sustainable and loving relationship. This work is never totally over because the further we heal the more aware we become about what motivates our choices. Most likely your partner’s triggers will take focus at some point in the future too.
This is what love looks like: supporting each other as you heal.
You are already doing it.
Wishing you all the best!
xoxo
Bunny
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