Dear Higher Self: How do I stop needing so much reassurance from my partner?
"I struggle a lot with emotional permanence and I’ve very anxiously attached"
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Hi Bunny,
I’m writing because I’m struggling in my relationship. This is the first time I’ve been in a very healthy and communicative relationship and my partner is absolutely amazing, however I have BPD and coming from unhealthy relationships in the past I find that I am causing many of the problems in my current relationship. I struggle a lot with emotional permanence and I’ve very anxiously attached, particularly in this relationship which means so much to me. In moments where I feel rejected/hurt/afraid, I am sometimes unintentionally selfish, trying to get extensive reassurance from my partner and sometimes pushing them into emotionally strenuous conversations. It’s gotten to a point now where they don’t feel like our relationship is sustainable as it is because so many of our conversations go this way. I completely understand this but it’s caused me to feel even more anxious now that they have communicated this. I worry I am just not ready for a relationship but I want to be because I am so happy with my partner and I know that most of our issues are “in my head”. At the same time I know I shouldn’t feel like this all the time and neither should they. What can I do? How can I break out of this negative thought loop?
Hi love,
Relationships bring up our deepest wounds and fears of being unlovable. Because of the painful experiences of your past, you developed these repetitive, insecure thought patterns as a protective mechanism from experiencing further hurt. That’s how the triggers from our past wounding works—they are like a siren going off internally that we are in danger. Teaching ourselves how to feel safe in loving relationships is like learning a new skill. You are not “causing problems”, your relationship is bringing awareness to the patterns you want to change. This is very understandable and happens all the time to people in loving and healthy relationships.
The good news is you are at a point in your healing where you are ready to learn how to feel safe letting love in. You have worked on yourself and that is why this opportunity for change is here. You have built enough self-awareness to see your part in the relationship dynamic. That takes a lot of courage and a strong connection to your Higher Self, which is absolutely beautiful! Your relationship struggles aren’t a sign you are not ready for a relationship they are a sign you are ready for more growth.
And no, it’s not going to be easy to change and it’s not going to always feel good to step out of the comfort zone that made you feel safe. But just like a wound that heals on your body gets gross before it gets better, it’s the same with our emotional healing. We have to confront the not-so-pretty stuff, not to judge it but to accept it as part of the process.
When we have a pattern we want to change in our relationship, we have to practice interrupting that pattern.
When those intrusive, insecure thoughts come up, before you go to your partner for reassurance, ask yourself, What is this fear really about? Am I insecure right now because of something I need from my partner or am I triggered and feeling the pain of the past? Is it possible reassure myself right now?
A powerful way to reassure yourself (aka feel secure within yourself) is taking deep breaths to slow your heart rate, putting your hand on your heart, closing your eyes and telling yourself loving affirmations such as:
This is not my past. I am safe. I am loved.
I don’t have to sabotage my happiness today. I can let joy in.
I am whole and worthy. I always have been.
Thought patterns are powerful because we have had them for so long. So it will take intentional practice to interrupt and change them and allow your brain to develop new thought patterns. It’s all about training your mind. Being “anxiously attached” does not mean you are unable to change. You are not the sum of your wounding or the patterns you developed because of it. You are not your thoughts, you are the awareness of them.
Additionally, continuing to manage your BPD with your therapist, doing your own self-care independent of your relationship and leaning on friends more when you are having a hard time rather than making your partner your only form of support will help change the dynamic of your relationship to one more reflective of your self-worth.
I also want to point out that there is nothing wrong with needing reassurance from someone you love. But keep in mind your partner also needs reassurance. And the reassurance your partner needs to feel safe in the relationship could be you giving them the benefit of the doubt and trusting them at their word that they love you.
Your partner wants a change in the relationship because they want the relationship to work.
Our needs might not take the same form as our partner’s needs. But at their core they serve the same purpose—to feel safe, loved, appreciated and cared for.
Although it might seem like you are the only one with the “issues” in the relationship—your partner also has their own set of fears, wounds and triggers. We all do. Both of you are learning and growing together.
A healthy relationship isn’t one where both people never get triggered or insecure or never need reassurance. A healthy relationship is when both people are compassionate for their partner’s struggles and wounds while at the same time accountable for their own and committed to working on themselves.
Give yourself some grace, babe. You are on the right path. There is nothing wrong with you for needing to learn new ways of being in relationship. The journey of healthy love and feeling secure within yourself is a life long practice of getting up everyday and deciding to remember you are enough just for being you.
Sending you so much love babe, you got this!
xo Buns
Need guidance and/or healing advice? Send in your question to this column by replying to this post or emailing info@bunnymichael.com
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