Dear Higher Self: How Can I Find Close Friends?
"It just seems like other people don’t have the capacity to hold space in the way that I can."
Hi everyone! Before we get started I would like to make an appeal to you to support my work by becoming a paid subscriber. More and more it’s becoming important for creators like me to lessen our dependency on social media platforms like instagram. And in order to do that, we need to build a support system through our communities. Substack is a rare space that offers writers direct access to their audience without an algorithm (so cool). But it also requires many hours of labor per week and the more financial support I have from you the more I can keep writing (what I really love to do). Plus, you get exclusive content so it’s a win/win! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support and for being here xo buns
Dear Bunny,
About a few years ago I started my healing journey and going to therapy and it’s been really great but also with that a lot of my close relationships have changed. Some of those changes were intentional (I was just no longer in alignment with those people) and some of it was life kind of happening and people growing in different directions. And now I’ve gotten to a place where my life feels lonely, I just don’t have any close relationships I can turn to for support.
About a year ago I made it my central mission to put myself out there and go to more social events and really attempt to grow the connections in my life. After a year of doing that I now have a really wide net of surface level aquantices. I definitely learned alot from the process of putting myself out there and my confidence grew and I felt very independent going to these social events alone and being able to talk to people but I’m not any closer to having that sense of intimacy and closeness with people.
In my attempts to build closeness in these surface level relationships my approach has always been to open the floor for the other person to share about themselves and give them a safe space to be themselves. And in my heart I feel like if I open it up for them that is going be reciprocated and opened up for me and it will be this mutual exchange—mutual gaining of closeness. And after trying that for a year I’m seeing it hasn’t worked out like that. I feel like people take that opportunity and they take and take and it’s never reciprocated back. I often find myself leaving these social events feeling more drained, feeling like people took from me emotionally but no one was feeding it back to me.
I don’t like that I am developing this cynical approach towards people but I don’t know what the Higher Self takeaway is from this. Is there a lesson I’m not seeing? I want closeness. I want to feel like I know people on a deep level and I want to feel like other people know me on a deep level but it just seems like other people don’t have the capacity to hold space for other people in the way that I can. I don’t know how to find what I’m looking for while also protecting myself and not being drained so much by these interactions. I have wondered if maybe my life is going to have more solitude than the average person due to my struggles with creating close relationships. I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Hi love,
In this day and age it is challenging to find real authentic connection, especially if you have grown out of unhealthy relationships and toxic patterns, prioritize taking care of yourself and really enjoy being alone. I can relate to feeling this way.
You said that your approach to friendship has been to open the floor for the other person to open up emotionally with you hoping it will be reciprocated but it seems like people just “take and take”. What I would like to propose is to flip the idea in your mind. Right now, you see the person opening up to you emotionally as taking while the person who is listening and being there for other person (you) as giving. But it could also be seen the opposite way, that these so-called surface friends are opening up to you and in many ways that is very giving. It’s giving vulnerability, it’s giving you their authenticity, it’s trusting you with their feelings. And you not opening up because you perceive them as not opening the floor up to you, can be seen as taking i.e. taking in their vulnerabililty without that being enough of a green light for you to be honest and vulnerable about what is going on with you.
You might see these as surface relationships but from another perspective, these friends aren’t being surface—they are getting deep about themselves and about their life. You might be the only person that they told that story to.
Lots of times people perceive the person who has volunteered in the “helper” role in relationships as someone who doesn’t need their help or advice especially if they are a person who might have less experience in the role of “helper” or “giver of advice” or doesn’t feel as confident in that role especially with someone who they perceive as confident and to “having their shit together” (like you).
I really related to your question because in addition to giving advice and guidance to people professionally, I tend to take on that role in my friendships as the one who people come to with their problems. For a long time I would hold back on sharing my life and deep feelings, which led to me feeling resentful. For example, I would be on the phone with a friend for like an hour just listening to something they were going through, giving them advice and support etc…and then my friend would be like, “How are you?” And I’d be like, “I’m good”. And just not say much else. Similar to you, I just didn’t really feel like I had the green light at that point to share myself because we had been discussing their problems and in my head I’m like, They don’t have the capacity for me right now. So I wouldn’t say anything. I’d leave conversations feeling drained. Despite having many friendships, I felt very alone. There was a period of time in the not too distant past where if I was going through something hard, I didn’t think I had anyone to call and that was very painful.
What changed for me and what I hope will help you is to recognize that yes people can disappoint you in relationships but often if we want things to change in our relationships we also have to be willing to change ourselves. Sometimes we are unknowingly perpetuating a pattern that we don’t want.
It’s true that not everyone we meet is going to be a close connection; not everyone is going to be the type of person that you are looking for but the approach to wait for an invitation for someone to open the floor for you the same way that you do it might actually be hindering those deeper connections. Because everyone has different skillsets when it comes to friendships and no one is perfect. You have a natural ability to be a good listener, to create a space for someone to feel open to share. That is one of your gifts. The problem arrises when you don’t know when to let go of that role. And show up with a different kind of vulnerability.
Sometimes building closeness looks like saying, “Hey, I feel like you are not there for me in the same way I am there for you” or “It’s hard for me to open up unless you pry into my life”. Sometimes changing the balance in a relationship is literally calling a friend and right off the bat being like, “I”m having a hard day. Can we go for ice cream, I really need to vent.”
This is a different approach to building intimacy—being more open about your needs. Which is something that these other people might be gifted at that you can learn from. And they can also learn from your skillset of being in the supportive role.
Relationships are collaborations. But often we don’t recognize that we can learn from the ways that people are different from us.
You absolutely deserve friends that support you, who show up for you, and who you can lean on. But often we need to be more communicative about our needs for someone to understand them. Friendships take time to build trust and intimacy. And when we want something to change in a relationship we also have to change.
You are a very emotionally mature, gifted and wise person. It’s wonderful that you enjoy solitude. But I think sometimes as people who are really self-aware, we can assume that just because we are wise about some things then we don’t have much to learn from others who we perceive to be in a different “stage” of their journey. But I have found that we can learn from everyone. And every person carries kernels of wisdom.
So keep your heart open. I promise you will find what you are looking for.
Sending lots of love from a fellow learning-to-be-more-direct-about-my-needs-in-friendships-so-I-can-feel-supported,
Bunny
Need guidance and/or healing advice? Send in your question to this column by replying to this post or emailing info@bunnymichael.com
News & Announcements
My book Hello Higher Self: An Outsider’s Guide to Loving Yourself in a Tough World is currently 30% off on Amazon
I am hosting a 5-day creativity retreat at Omega Institute in New York with author and artist James McCrae!! More info here
Looking for more in-depth teaching on how to let go of limiting beliefs and stop self sabotaging? Then be sure to check out my new video course, How To Be Your Higher Self
I resonate with every word you said here! I’m always the listener in every friendship and most people reach out to me when they want some guidance or help.
It feels lonely sometimes yet I enjoy my own company.
Felt most times that I can’t hold a relationship or friendship as the level of awareness is totally different.
This post speaks to my heart and lately I’ve been wondering about this! Glad I’m not alone.
Thank you 🌸
I am often the person who is listened to and supported, and I feel the other way around, I often think why don’t people open up to me when I open up to them? Just as Bunny writes, I share also as a sign for the other person to share and often feel this isn’t reciprocated. It is not for not trying to hold space and asking how the other person is doing or wanting to listen and be there, but many people seem not to «want» to reach out either. I would love to be there more for my friends as well. Although I have also noticed that often people open up in ways I do not expect, sometimes their opening up is different than mine and I try to honour that. Because I have also had feedback that I am too pushy for others to open up in specific ways. I try to leave the door open and communicate directly about it, but it can’t be my responsibility if someone chooses not to walk in. (And sometimes I’m not the person they need and that’s okay too).
But I am curious to all of you listeners, what would help you to feel that you have the space? How do you want to be listened to? How can someone show you that you do indeed have someone here who wants to hold you in your experience when you need that? What does this look like to you? Maybe we can learn from each other?