Dear Higher Self: Ex bestie and ex boyfriend are now dating
"This new information has sent me spiraling"
Hi Bunny,
It’s been 6 months since me and my ex boyfriend broke up, a relationship of nearly 3 years. We lived together for a little under 2 years. I recently discovered that he's now dating my ex-best friend. What's particularly painful is that the three of us were extremely close during my relationship and I trusted and loved them both deeply. After the breakup, my ex-best friend didn't reach out to me at all, instead choosing to focus all her emotional support on him. She was constantly there for him while I was left to process my own emotions without her comfort and friendship. She’s reassured me before if anything happened between me and my ex our friendship would remain the same. It was all very devastating. Now, learning that they're together has brought up intense feelings of betrayal, hurt, and guilt. I'm struggling to reconcile my emotions, especially since I was the one who wanted out of the relationship.
This new information has sent me spiraling and I'm now questioning the entire dynamics of our relationships. I'm replaying memories, wondering if there were signs I missed. All the alone time they spent together now seems suspicious and I'm fearing the worst. Were his fears and insecurities during our relationship just a projection of his own actions? Was he being unfaithful the whole time? These doubts are consuming me, making it hard to process my grief and move forward. On top of that he has completely blocked me on everything recently even though we still have financial ties that need to be resolved (he owes me a significant amount of money).
I guess I wanted to ask 2 questions and get some insight. What can I do to release the guilt and self-doubt that's arisen from feeling like I deserve this painful situation because I wanted the relationship to end? And how do I navigate the conflicting emotions of betrayal and hurt while grieving the loss of both relationships and also acknowledging the unhealthy dynamics and lack of compatibility that led to their demise?
Hi love,
I’m so sorry to hear you are going through such a challenging experience. Your feelings of hurt, confusion, overwhelm and grief are so understandable.
When we go through something painful, often we try to put the blame on ourselves as a way to feel some control over the situation. We tell ourselves this is happening to me because I did this or I did not do that. If I had been smarter, this wouldn’t have happened! We do this because the idea that people can hurt us and we have no control over their choices is very hard to wrap our heads around. The guilt we put on ourselves is a protective mechanism. Because if it’s our fault then we can prevent experiencing the same pain in the future by “fixing” ourselves.
But you have never been responsible for your ex boyfriend or ex best friend’s choices. And you have nothing to feel guilty about. All you did was take care of yourself by leaving a relationship you knew was no longer right for you. All you did was trust the intentions of the people you cared about.
Although it makes sense that you want to know if they had a romantic connection when the three of you were all friends, I am also wondering if it really matters at this point. Because your ex best friend was not there for you in the aftermath of the breakup and that showed where her loyalty lied. Which is why you and her are no longer friends. On top of that, regardless if your ex had cheated on you or not, you no longer wanted to be with him. You knew it was time to split up. So yes it would be nice to know what really happened, but in reality, I don’t know if it would give you the relief, clarity or closure you are looking for because it doesn’t change the fact that she wasn’t the friend you needed and he isn’t the boyfriend you wanted.
And even if someday you sat down with both of them and asked them what really happened, you would probably get a lot of half truths, a bunch of mixed feelings, denial, deflection and projection. Most likely they each have their own version of “the truth”. You might walk away feeling more confused than you already are.
Whether or not you decide to pursue finding out what happened between them is up to you. But I just want to remind you that having boundaries from them is really important right now. The more distance you have from these people, the more clarity you will get about what you need to move forward with your life.
It’s really difficult to be in a painful experience and feel you have no control over it. It’s really challenging to want relief and it doesn’t come soon enough. But part of being human, having relationships and being vulnerable is that you will experience the full spectrum of emotions: joy, love, hurt, pain, loss…It is all part of the journey.
And no matter how wise, healed, intelligent or emotionally mature you are, sometimes people will hurt your fucking feelings. And it sucks.
When people treat us with less care than we deserve, it’s because they are at a personal stage in their own journey where they don’t have the capacity for the care we need. They have limitations because of something going on within them personally. This is not an excuse, it’s just the reality of the situation. Being honest with people even when it’s difficult, showing up to relationships with integrity, doing what you say you will do—all of that takes courage, confidence and emotional maturity. I’m not saying that people with emotional maturity always make the right choices, I’m saying that when they don’t they are willing to be accountable.
The important lesson is to stop blaming yourself for other people’s choices, to give yourself grace for the really hard moments, to be patient with your grief and your anger and to remind yourself that even though this is really hard, no feeling lasts forever. You will get through this.
We cannot change the past no matter how many times we replay it in our minds. But we can change how we react to our memories. What I mean is, when a painful memory comes up or when you notice yourself spiraling about the past, tell yourself:
The past was an experience. I do not have to let go of an experience, I just have to remind myself that experience does not define me or my future.
And when you find yourself spiraling about these two people who you feel betrayed by, remind yourself:
Their choices were not my responsibility then and they are not my responsibility now. I don’t need to know what they are thinking. I do not need to know their “truth”. I have my own. They are not the answer to my peace.
And most of all, I want you to be mindful to not force yourself to feel differently or be over it. Hurt feelings are not a problem that needs to be solved. Hurt feelings need acceptance, grace, compassion, patience, and love to process.
Grief is not black and white. Some days you will miss the good times you had together. Some days you will be so angry you can only remember the bad. It’s all ok. Every feeling. Every emotion. Your Higher Self is holding all of it with love.
In the future you will look back on this time of your life as a challenging moment in which you learned how to nurture your grief with more compassion, kindness and love. The more acceptance you give yourself for the difficult feelings, the sooner you will move through them.
Trust yourself.
Sending so much love,
Bunny
If you would like to send in a question to the Dear Higher Self healing advice column, reply to this post or email info@bunnymichael.com
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Thank you for this. I woke up this morning consumed with hurt feelings and this is really helping me process my grief and to accept where I’m at with compassion instead of judgement.🖤
Needed this! Thank you 🙏🏾