Dear Higher Self: Can I Ask My Friends to Stop Being Friends With My Ex?

"Is it too much for me to just wish they were solely on my side? "

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Hi Bunny,

My question is about sharing community after a breakup. I’m pretty freshly out of a breakup right now and we are currently in a period of no contact. I am going though all of the roller coaster emotions that come with grief and reminding myself that “I am healing at every part of the journey”. The breakup was unexpected and my ex did and said some really messed up stuff right at the end of our relationship. I go to therapy and journal and spend time trying to support myself as best I can. But the part I’m struggling with the most is that my closest friends have been continuing to see my ex. We are a tight knit queer community in a rural town, and I can understand how important it is to remain on “good terms” with folks. But I can’t lie, I am feeling so triggered and upset each time I hear about one of them seeing my ex. This person really hurt me. It feels like a healing wound is getting reopened each time I hear about an encounter or a hangout.
I’ve been working on building other community that doesn’t know my current one but even that’s hard. Recently I stayed home from an event because I heard my ex was going to be there, even though it would’ve been a great opportunity for me to nurture these newer friendships. I felt so devastated and alone.

Often I feel tempted to pull away from my two closest friends because of their relationship with my ex. Is it too much to ask that they would just be loyal to me? I guess loyalty is more complicated than I thought. I don’t want to live in this town hating someone and getting triggered every time their name comes up or one of my friends is friends with them… I want to be on good terms with them eventually and not care what other people do, but I really don’t know how and I’m nervous I will be unable to in the future. How do you share community with an ex? How do you trust your friends when they tell you they aren’t abandoning you even though what they are doing feels disloyal and at times, dishonest? I feel like I got so much validation from them during the messy parts of our relationship and plus, they were my friends first… but this situation constantly feels like they aren’t on anyone’s side— is it too much for me to just wish they were solely on mine? Why is sides such a big thing with breakups? My instinct tells me it’s because resentment is a powerful emotion— and let me tell you I am full of it!
Your guidance is so appreciated, thank you Bunny.

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Hi love,

I’m so sorry this breakup has been challenging. All breakups are but navigating mutual friendships and shared community adds another layer of complication. And it makes sense to feel confused on how to move forward.

I think it’s important to try to separate your anger at your ex from the anger you feel towards your friends when they associate with your ex. Because, like you said, you are triggered. And when we are triggered the pain of past experiences gets projected on present experiences. In other words, when you hear your friends saw your ex, you are feeling the feelings of the times your ex hurt you in that present experience. A lot of the anger you feel towards your friends is actually anger at your ex projected onto them.

Now I am not saying you don’t have a right to feel angry at your friends for hanging out with your ex. But anger is a secondary emotion. Underneath anger is hurt and the fear of being unloved. So I want to ask you: Do you really believe that because your friends also care about your ex, they don’t care and love you? Is part of the reason why you want your friends to stop being friends with your ex a way to punish your ex for hurting you? And is that fair to your friends?

My concern with asking for “loyalty” in terms of needing your friends to also break up with your ex will actually put a wedge between you. Because you are basically saying, you need to stop caring about this person in order to care about me. And I don’t know if that is true. I do believe friends are capable of being supportive to both parties after a breakup.

Your bond with your two closest friends is about so much more than this one person (your ex). You have your own history, your own intimacy, your own connection. You have all the ways you have shown up for each other and been there for one another. I don’t want you to lose that support.

I think you need to have a sit down with your friends and tell them exactly what your fears are and how their friendship with your ex is especially triggering for you at the moment. It’s absolutely ok to need more reassurance from them. I also think discussing boundaries you are comfortable with in terms of what they do or do not communicate with your ex about you and what they do or do not communicate to you about your ex, will help you feel like you can continue to trust that they have your back and prevent being unnecessarily triggered. Replacing the word “loyalty” with “boundaries” can get you a long way in navigating this.

And yes, it does suck to feel like you can’t go to a social event your ex will be at or fear running into them. But it won’t always feel this difficult. You are in the really hard part of a breakup. You are still processing your hurt and your anger. You need really good boundaries as you do that. And if that means missing out some of the time, that is ok. We do what we need to do to take care of ourselves. This is temporary.

The reason why it feels so competitive in a breakup is because our culture has taught us that the end of a relationship means the failure of a relationship and breakups happen because one person wasn’t “good enough” for the other. So it’s tempting to want to be perceived as being “better” than your ex. It’s all ego driven, hierarchical bullshit we have been ingrained to believe in. Don’t buy into it. Breakups are not competitions. You have nothing to prove to anyone. There is no winners or losers. It ended because you are meant for a new path.

So try not to view your community as on one side or the other. This is your home and still is. You can continue to build, grow and develop lasting relationships regardless of this breakup. You got this.

Sending so much love,

Bunny

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